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My wife and I are considering marital counseling. We have been married for almost 4 years and neither one of us are happy. We are both service members and I am wondering if marital counseling is effective. My wife is very opposed to counseling and wants to try to work out the issues ourselves, but the majority of our disagreements never get resolved. What are some of your thoughts?
In my opinion, before you even bother doing marital counseling you have to determine if both of you are really committed to making the relationship succeed. No relationship can survive if one or both people aren’t willing to work on it. And it does take work.
Explain it to her this way….
If you had, say, bronchitis, and you could feel it coming on, your throat is itchy, you have a slight cough, but nothing too serious…you could go see the doctor and get an antibiotic and take care of it before it gets worse. But instead, you let it go on, you put off going to the doctor until you are about to cough up a lung, and you are in a lot of pain.
A relationship is just like your body, it requires regular "check ups" to make sure that its healthy. If you delay the check ups, insisting that you can take care of it yourself, there may be something more serious going on that you don’t know about, and it make take serious symptoms (an admission of infidelity, someone leaving the relationship abruptly, etc.) for you to realize that you need help. Marital counseling can very often help to open the doors of communication between a husband and wife. Explain to her that its not necessarily because something’s "wrong" in the relationship, but to help to prevent certain ailments that can cause a broken marriage. There isn’t always a cure, but a failed marriage can sometimes be a preventable disease.
12 Responses to “Is marital counseling effective or does it normally lead to divorce?”
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I think it’s good even for people who AREN’T having marital problems at all. It helps you listen and communicate more effectively, which is really crucial to any marriage.
My husband and I just went to our first session last week and it was really helpful. I hope that it continues to be this way down the road as well.
We are seeing a counselor at the VA Center, which I think is even more effective, since all the counselors there were once service members, and most of them are combat veterans (something that is helpful for my husband, I think). Since you are in the military, I would reccommend seeing a counselor with the VA. They are more understanding of the military lifestyle.
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It’s only as much as you put into it. If she’s reluctant, then she might not be trying too hard and then tell you, "You see? I told you it wouldn’t work!" If you’re willing to try it alone, you can probably find some good coping skills to deal with what’s going wrong with the relationship. Of course, it’s best if you’re both going together, but you can at least get things started on your own. It’s best to try to get these things settled right now before they get out of hand and before you start hating each other…at which point it might become impossible to repair. Good luck to you guys!
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It’s up to you two if you want to stay married or not. If you don’t want to be married no counseling in the world will help. It’s a choice as it’s a choice whethwer you are happy or not as an individual.
You choose to make things work or not.
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Worked for me. If both parties are willing to do the work, it can do wonders.
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Why should I involved third part in a two way relation ship.
If you decided to get married you solve your problems your self
You can try to attend once to understand how they work ,,but I can guarantee you once you start u will always rely on them ..its a Business
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It is hit & miss; it /can/ do more harm than good (google it).
Self marriage education yields the best results.
If you do go, make the deal that you will go see three counselors and continue to see the one you both least hate.
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It can be incredibly effective if 2 conditions are met. First, the counselor has to be a good one. Like any other profession, some are much better than others. Second, both hubby and wife have to be fully committed, not only to attending counseling sessions, but to the hard work involved in implementing what they learn.
Your wife is falling into a common trap, which is best described this way: Insanity is doing the same thing again and again while predicting different results. In your case, the 2 of you obviously have communication issues which are preventing you from learning how to resolve conflicts. You’ve proven this with every unresolved argument. It doesn’t mean she’s not committed to your marriage – it means she’s turning a blind eye to both the problem and the solution.
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As an ex marriage counselor for many years, this actually works but only if both enter wanting the same end result and with an open heart and mind. Its not always easy stating your problems to a stranger but will only work if both spill their hearts out so any and all problems can be resolved. Like everything else in life, marriage counseling isnt for everyone so it wont help every marriage but it really is worth the try and I had a 92% success rate. Alot too depends on the counselor themeselve and some are better than others and theres no rea way to tell the difference but if you feel comfortable with the first one, then youve got a good start, otherwise change til you find a good one. Be willing to do whatever itll take to save your marriage and believe. Good luck and than you for your service to our country and God speed
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Florida Paralegal with a BS degree in Social-Pyschology
It can be effective, provided you get a counselor who actually cares about what is right and moral. I suggest Christian counseling. Now, I would interview any counselor in effect. Find out what their personal views on divorce are, if they are married or divorced and why and what sort of moral values they have and so forth. Ask them point blank what they think are grounds for divorce and so forth. If they do not match the values that you two have, then find one who does. In my view, it is sort of like taking parenting advice from someone who has no kids or whos kids are junkies or have been taken away. Hard to find out how to be wealthy from someone who is homeless.
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Counseling saved my marriage. We found a good counselor and she served as a facilitator asking the right questions and giving us things to ponder and work to do (often reading). It was very painful at times, eye opening at other times, and it saved our marriage. There are issues that are so packed with emotional baggage that they can’t be handled without a mediator.
My husband and I are married 22 years now. We are the best of friends, laugh a lot, love spending time together, and have an active and very fun sex life. Our children are teens and our family is really happy.
If you would have seen us during the ‘bad time’ years ago you would not recognize us as the same people. Our house was quiet, but filled with tension. We were at a stalemate and there was not much laughing, fun, and sex going on. We were both very lonely. I would never want to go back to those times and do not think we ever will. We talk and get things resolved immediately now – nothing gets buried to simmer and stew anymore. The communication is straightforward, honest, and immediate (and started during counseling). We express our love and work to make each others lives easier, not harder.
I hope you can save your marriage – it is worth whatever work you must do. The joy I feel in my marriage is beyond compare and I wish that for you as well. Good luck.
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Counseling is good. Their are lots of great books that are effective as well. I would recommend three books. For him and her, The Peacegiver from James L Ferrell or for her, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and for her and him, the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.
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In my opinion, before you even bother doing marital counseling you have to determine if both of you are really committed to making the relationship succeed. No relationship can survive if one or both people aren’t willing to work on it. And it does take work.
Explain it to her this way….
If you had, say, bronchitis, and you could feel it coming on, your throat is itchy, you have a slight cough, but nothing too serious…you could go see the doctor and get an antibiotic and take care of it before it gets worse. But instead, you let it go on, you put off going to the doctor until you are about to cough up a lung, and you are in a lot of pain.
A relationship is just like your body, it requires regular "check ups" to make sure that its healthy. If you delay the check ups, insisting that you can take care of it yourself, there may be something more serious going on that you don’t know about, and it make take serious symptoms (an admission of infidelity, someone leaving the relationship abruptly, etc.) for you to realize that you need help. Marital counseling can very often help to open the doors of communication between a husband and wife. Explain to her that its not necessarily because something’s "wrong" in the relationship, but to help to prevent certain ailments that can cause a broken marriage. There isn’t always a cure, but a failed marriage can sometimes be a preventable disease.
References :